Don't you just hate it when 'new' clubs aren't at all..

Sooooooo, after avoiding the institution known as the 'alternative club' for a number of months now I rally the spirit to attend the opening night of a new venture into such, after all, its good to support such.

Ash Lounge..nice name, pretty poster, 'Gothic-Alternative-Eighties' it proclaimed. Ah, there was the first clue I should've noted...'Eighties' (what is the obsession about the 'Eighties'?? its dead, gone, move on, nothing to see here).

And that's all ya got , folks, all the old pot-boilers trundled out (to the delight of the punters, I despair), any request at anything remotely recent was met by the now regulatory dead stare of miscomprehension and the reply of "We've only old-school".....OK, OK there were two, count 'em, two Interpol tracks - albeit dated, but that was it!!

It's all bollox y'know, old-school!!!! *groan* I know I'm getting on a bit, but when most of these damnable 'classics' were released most of this lot were in nappies fercrisakes - and not a few barely a twinkle even, yet there they all are swaying around the floor to the obligatory bloody Sisters' track, Bela Lugosi's Dead hot on its putrefying tail.

Here, have a bloody clue, people go to Bullets From the Belfry , proof that life does exist beyond 19 bloody 89. (I've given up trying to influence club-goers to good new!!! stuff on the dance floor- the last time I attempted this I got a request for 'White Wedding' by Billy Joel...Billy Joel?!?!??!?!? WTF!!!!!!)

Oh, and the venue's hot and stuffy, the sound system poorly eq'd (or was that the dodgy mp3's?). It has potential though, the owner seemed keen enough - though that might've been because the crowd was probably a tad preferable to the crusty metal oiks that attended previous ventures there....

All in all, I'll be staying home a while for a while..the beer's cold and the music's always brill!!

Sometimes, being Polish is not enough

I like death metal. And I really like Polish death metal bands like Vader and Decapitated. So in theory I should like Behemoth. Alas, this is not the case. Behemoth is a Polish DM band that has been recommended to me many a time, and yet, I can't like them. And I've tried... lord knows I've tried.

My first foray into Behemoth was a bit misguided, and I wound up taking a listen to their earlier black metal album, Grom. This was a bad idea, becuase Grom is so bad it's funny. I was literally laughing out loud while listening to this album. It starts off on a relatively serious and grim note, with suitably grim vocals. Towards the end of the album, things get silly. How silly, I hear you ask. Rising Proudly Towards The Sky (the title itself amuses the living daylights out of me) has the most absurd clear singing I have heard, ever. I sing better. A cat dying of some wasting disease sounds better. And you can hear that the singer believes that he is pouring his heart and soul into this, which makes it so much more amusing. So, Behemoth left me unimpressed, though more cheerful than I had been in days

After a few more "You really should try Behemoth" statements from death metal nerds, I dived into Behemoth again. This time I was slightly more informed, and opted to try Demigod, a death metal masterpiece. Eeeeh, not really. Decapitated do the technical aspect better, Vader do the fun aspect better, there really is nothing inspired about Demigod. So, feeling like a failure, I decided to give up on Behemoth.

Well, until late last year. When Behemoth released The Apostasy. And my god, did that album get good reviews. Apparently, The Apostasy is the second coming of Christ. So, wondering whether it was me that was broken, I gave Behemoth my third attempt. Eeeeeh. The Apostasy gets a resounding "MEH" from me.

Something with Behemoth does not click. Maybe it is me. Maybe I cannot comprehend the awesome that is Behemoth. But every single album that the band has release has dripped with pretension. They're not that technically proficient, and they're really not that good. I can't place exactly why they're not that good, they're just not. I have a theory that it's the vocals. The vocals put me off Grom, and every album since then has had generic death growls. Which is fine, and bands like Decapitated can get away with it, but Behemoth remind me of a cream puff; it looks good, it tastes good, but in the end, your life is not enriched by eating it.

Kill your idols

This is long overdue, but Radiation Cow's rebuke of her fav band of all time triggered it.Thank grud my favourite band of all time is no more. Thanks Ian, you inadvertently immortalized a band and set in on a pedestal that it can't be knocked off, least of all by themselves!!

Now, Interpol!! Was a time I would brook no criticism (well, not much, they weren't perfect -hoorah!), but third album fever is upon them and they must be called to task.Bringing out an album of lounge music is inexcusable! Regardless of how many times I play 'Our Love to Admire' nothing sticks, nothing triggers the urge to hum, chant, whistle along. I know what it is, its the problem all bands eventually fall into...the quest for excellence..perfection.........smoothness...pah, I spit on your 'skill'..where's the frikken' anger, the hurt the need to get the music out without the obscene sheen of post-(over) production.

Ah, but, in their own words, this is what has happened....'Turn on the Bright Lights' and 'Antics' where composed on guitar, voice etc, the sheen and tremble, the suggestion of vibe and atmosphere added as an embellishment, a last, light touch like the flick of a brushstroke to enhance the bright spots, frost the bleakness and darken the black....."Our love to Admire' was done the other way around!!! Keyboards and first rhythm first, the guitars and voice after..nooooooooo!!! Maybe the label change is also to blame, from a quirky, innovative independent to a schmaltzy big label...smoooooooth and bland.... The first two albums were subtly different, like two separate views, each very distinguishable from each other yet still the same machine (raw, hard, clunky yet honest). The third, I'm afraid is a more-of-the-same-paint-by-numbers affair.

Perhaps bands should have a two/three album limit then implode/explode/metamorphose into something else, fresh, fervent and hungry. You're only as good as your last release!! We have no time for treading water...

Yes, yes, the above comments are about a year too late, but hey, I've been procrastinating!! Say what you want!!

Morbid Angel - Heretic

I just want to clarify before we begin, Morbid Angel is one of my favourite bands. EVER. From the day I heard Where the Slime Live they’ve had a special place in my heart. For those who are not metalheads, or have been living under a rock for the past two decades, Morbid Angel are a death metal band from Florida, and they are awesome. They also have a nifty gimmick of naming all their albums in alphabetical order. I had discovered them after the release of Gateways to Annihilation, and I truly believed that this band could do no wrong. Yes, the fake live CD was kinda silly, but still had a place on my shelf. So when I heard that Morbid Angel was releasing a 7^th album, titled Heretic I giggled like a little schoolgirl. And when it came out, I got it. Or rather, somebody got it for me, which should tell you how much I was raving about it.

And then I took a listen to it. And another listen to it, and then I put on Covenant to wash the foul taste of bile from my throat. It isn’t that the musicianship of the band has dropped; tracks like Drum Check prove that. It’s just that Morbid Angel have run out of ideas. Born Again has the EXACT SAME SONG as Secured Limitations off Gateways. I tried to like this album, I really did, but I failed.

So, what exactly is wrong with Heretic? The first part of the album is standard death metal fare, and the second part contains more ambient tracks than a goddamn Vangelis album. So let's talk about the first part of the album. The slowness that seemed epic on Gateways is now just plain boring. The drumming has degenerated into a double bass trigger-fest that makes me annoyed. The vocals are uninspired and fade into the general monotony. Trey Azagthoth decides that he likes rasping along, and does so at every opportunity, even when it's not appropriate. The song Enshrined by Grace is probably the best of the lot, and that sounds like some second rate Morbid Angel clone band. Actually, that's what the entire album sounds like, a tribute album to Morbid Angel. Done by brain-dead fanboys lost in their own “incredible technical skill”.

The wankery gets worse on the second part of the album. First you get Drum Check which is 3 minutes of Pete Sandoval playing the drums. (And Jesus Christ, can that man play. Which leaves you wondering why he can't do the same on the actual songs). Then you get Born Again, which as I mentioned before is Secured Limitations without the vocals. Then, just in case you feel that you haven't suffered enough, you get silent tracks interspersed with Trey Azagthoth playing "ambient" pieces. What the fuck, Morbid Angel. You were my favourite band, and then you broke it. Of course, the wankery doesn't end there. For more fun and games, one has to read the liner notes, which span approximately 3 pages, and discuss such incredible concepts as "paradigm shifts" and "religion is bad". It seems that in Heretic, Trey's ego finally ran away with him. I don't want to hear about paradigm shifts. I want to hear awesome songs about Cthulhu and killing and stuff.

So, it is with this in mind, that I pretend that Heretic didn't happen, and carry on listening to earlier albums, back when Morbid Angel had creativity and the balls to play awesome music. What terrifies me, however, is that they are releasing an album during the year, and I am giggling like a little schoolgirl.

Make it so...

So anyway, I was muttering to a colleague the other day at how no-one reeeeaaaally criticizes music any more....It might get slightly dissed or ignored but never critted. Pick up any music mag today and all you get is rehashed press releases, gently handling each new act, praising its similarity to umpteen other equally tedious musical ensembles.

Let us tell you what we really think of your noble exploit and maybe learn something from being thumped about a bit instead of someone soothing your oh-so-delicate artistic temperament.

Things like..."call that alternative? Bollocks , lad, me granny was more alternative than that and that was just in her choice of knitting wool!"

'Alternative' doesn't exist anymore, by the way, it was swallowed up and regurgitated by the music industries marketing moguls to throw stuff at you to convince you that this was music your parents wouldn't approve of....crap! Odds are your folks have/had a better taste in some really deviant stuff you never even thought existed!!

Oh, and don't give me that " Heyyyy, we sidestepped the industry man, and have put stuff out on the net, on our own, voted for by my best bud, his girlfriend and her swotty cousin..we're Indieeeeee, maaaaaan!"....crap, crap, crappity crap...

Anyway, i tire of rant right now, i'll think of something equally, if not more so, derogatory about your beloved top ten favorites hits of all time later....